A Guide To Survival In The Land Of Gayhovah's Witnesses

[Originally posted at TheDailyFuel.com on June 15, 2006]

In case you have not heard, the institution of marriage is under attack. It is essential that Congress pass a constitutional amendment to defend our nation from the attack that the liberal media, Hollywood and the unstoppable gay community are carrying out against marriage, and against families in every town of this nation. This, in so many more or less eloquent words, is the gist of what we hear certain people tell us every day. Mostly, conservative politicians, but also some talk radio and TV show hosts, their callers and their invited guests. If we don't act soon, the very fabric of our society will be destroyed.

Like me, you might have asked yourself: Who are the people that believe that gays are the bane of society? Where do they lurk? How can anyone believe that homosexuality is a vice to be eradicated for the good of our future? The answers to these questions have been wonderfully documented in Kingdom Coming, a new book by Salon's Michelle Goldberg. Kingdom Coming is an investigation into the world of Christian Nationalism, focusing in particular on the brands of Christianity called Dominionism and Christian Reconstructionism. Both movements, which are closely tied, call Christians to political activism and wish to bring into being a society based on the application of strict Biblical law. Linked to this is the idea of postmillenialism, which purports that Jesus's second coming will occur after Christians have established the Kingdom of God on earth for a thousand years.

Biblical law of the Dominionist and Reconstructionist kind includes, of course, the condemnation of homosexuality. This particular brand of Christianity views and portrays gays as the reason behind most societal ills, particularly the disruption of traditional family values. In fact, the opposition to gay marriages and gay rights is one of the pre-eminent issues in churches and megachurches whose pastors advocate Dominionism and Reconstructionism. They talk about the liberal media and Hollywood as if Brokeback Mountain and Will and Grace were the main reasons for society's decay. However unbelievable in the 21st century this may seem, their impassioned defense against the so-called gay agenda has been capable of mobilizing throngs of churchgoers in the United States.

A few nights ago, as I lay awake in bed—the contents of Goldberg’s research still fresh in my mind—I asked my wife if she ever met an avowedly gay person. She said she has. I myself know a couple of fellows where I work who live together as a couple. They are very nice people (must be part of their ploy to change the world--I am sure deep down they are demonic), very private, well-educated, hard-working, and never, not once, have they tried to attack my marriage in any way. Then I asked my wife if a lesbian ever tried to talk her into changing her lifestyle. Her answer: Never. I asked her if a homosexual person ever tried to proselytize her. Answer: One person questioned the validity of the assumption that the scriptures condemn homosexuality. Well, I said: "Do you realize that even if you or I have hardly ever met a homosexual, and have never been forced to adopt a stance favorable to homosexuality, there are plenty of pastors, congregation leaders, and politicians who prosper by trying to convince us that we live in the land of Gayhovah's Witnesses: thousands of man loving men and woman-loving women going door to door trying to convert heterosexuals?"

A couple of nights later, I caught Lewis Black's new special on HBO. In case you don’t know him, Lewis Black is a comedian of Jewish descent whose comedy acts are centered on his feelings of anger and frustration about the stupidity and the absurdity of contemporary postures. I have always been a fan of his, so I was very proud and exquisitely pleased when I heard him say that—from everything you hear around you—you would think that we were surrounded by armies of Jehovah’s Witnesses of gaydom: going door to door to perform homoerotic acts in an attempt to corrupt us and destroy society. Black went on to compare the Christian rhetoric against gays to the many attacks Jews had to endure when they were accused of kidnapping and killing the firstborn of Christians (see blood libels on Wikipedia.) What’s worse, Black said, is that this fight to save the institution of marriage has been hailed as the most important issue for society: more important than the War in Iraq, more important than trying to fix our public education system, more important than an energy policy that we do not have. As if, by saving society from gays, everything else will fall into place.

Sadly, reality has a way of surpassing comedy. This antigay rhetoric is embraced by an ever growing number of Christians, who will not be satisfied until the United States becomes a full fledged theocracy. A land where Intelligent Design (let's call a spade a spade: Creationism) is taught in science classes, where we will be required to ignore any scientific evidence which goes against faith (global warming? Surely, God's earth must be beyond the ability of men to alter it permanently,) where the Ten Commandments are displayed in courthouses, and where morality will be measured based on our compliance with biblical law. Or, if you prefer, a land where a guide will be made available to the faithful masses, detailing the threat that gay marriages pose to Christian communities and how we can defend ourselves against such a threat. Indeed, such a guide already exists. It is entitled “Same Sex Marriage vs. Marriage God’s Way,” and was written by Pastor Jerry Johnston of the First Family Church of Overland Park, KS.

As for my guide, A Guide to Survival In The Land Of Gayhovah's Witnesses: I confess that it does not exist, just as the gay attack on the sacred institution of marriage does not exist. It was just a shameful gimmick to get you interested. I hope that you will find it in yourselves to forgive me for my deceitfulness, and that you will speak up in defense of the rights of the latest in a series of minorities truly under fire: If not, you might be the victim of the next crusade.